We love to fly... and it shows.

The airlines, god bless them, are a muse of sorts for me. Whenever I have the pleasure of spending a day traveling, my creative juices start to flow and I seem to be bombarded with a never-ending flow of ruminations. They come to me, one after the next, in a wave of sarcasm. It always seems to me like the uneducated, borderline retarded, inept of America are working at the airport, and I have a sneaking suspicion the joke is on me. I can't even count how many times the words 'you've got to be kidding me' run through my head on any given day I've spent amongst the terminals and concourses and on the airplanes, foreign and domestic, of this world.

When I ask my flight attendant for a tomato juice AND a water and she rolls her eyes like I've asked her to bone a chicken for me I have an extremely hard time not firing back "Are you serious? You have the easiest job on the planet. You're a glorified cocktail waitress. You push a cart up and down an aisle. The kid who bags my groceries at Ralph's could do this job, and he has down syndrome. Oh, what's that? You also have the daunting task of assisting in an emergency? Well I'm sure you've spent extensive training hours learning how to handle countless emergency situations we might encounter while flying in these friendly skies but if this plane starts to go down, my money is on that you're the first one to lose it. And quite frankly, once we pummel into the ground nose first at 300mph I hardly think you're going to need to recall any of that training anyhow... so be a dear, put that smile back on your face, earn your 40K and get me a god damn water and a tomato juice."

"United Airlines would like to extend a warm welcome to our first class and preferred passengers..." No mention of us commoners back in Coach. Ummm, what is this 1912? Am I in steerage back here with the cattle and the chickens? Way to propagate class infrastructures and further promote inequality between socioeconomic backgrounds. Of course I'm just complaining because I can't afford first class. I really just want a warm towelette.

Impossibility aside, I will never give up trying to find wi-fi while I'm on the plane.

Smoking lounges are an embarrassment to smokers. Put us all in a glass box so everyone else walking by can judge us on our poor choices and weak wills. I might smoke, but that doesn't mean I want to be stuck in a room with the white trash of America watching them puff their lives out on Winston 100s. I'll take my chances on missing my connection and go all the way back through security just to go outside and avoid those hot boxes any day.

Why is there such a mark up on food inside the airport? I paid $6.78 for a Frappucino on my layover in Chicago. That's more than I pay for a Chipotle chicken burrito the size of a baby. It's a crime to charge that much for coffee and ice. Especially when I had to walk a mile to gate B91 to obtain it.

I'd like to apologize to any flight attendants who were offended by this post. I'm sure you work very hard... on something.