My blogs are usually pretty funny (in my professional opinion, anyways), but today might be a tad more on the serious side. As some of you may already know, I have relapsed a few times recently. I am not the best at showing emotion, shame or gratitude being the two most often that give me trouble. I have spent most of my life feeling like I am entitled and I'm not quite sure how coming from parents who had very strict upbringings, I ended up such a brat. What I am very good at is covering my emotions, embarassment, shame, ect.. behind my amazing sacrasm and wit. I realize this often comes off insensative to the issue, but it's my defense mechanism and it feels safe. But here's the thing...... I dont want to continute to be this way and Im trying every day to change my actions and do the right things. Obviously relapsing isnt the 'right thing' and what disappoints me most is disappointing my family and friends even if I don't know what enough. Losing trust has got to be one of the worst feelings as an adult and I don't want anyone thinking I dont take the seriously and/or if I make jokes about my situation that I actually think its funny. Although in AA, they tell us to laugh about our pasts, but only once it truely is the past. While I continue to struggle with this disease, I hope and pray daily that I will regain my life and stability and that you will all continute to pray for me, as I do daily.
Something funny next time, I promise.
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